I usually embrace sleepless nights. Since we all complain about doing too much, there’s nothing upsetting about lying down in bed for ten hours while we let our brains run their business. What upsets me is when I get kept up against my brain’s will, especially when it is by an inanimate source that I cannot take out frustration on.
It rains a lot in Vancouver so I am accustomed to the sound of raindrops. Unlike the usual sound of uneven patter of raindrops on asphalt, however, the sound I heard yesterday night was like an even hammer persisting through the whole night. Having lived in this house for over fifteen years, I have never heard anything like that sound before. Maybe I just never noticed. Perhaps I was just awake last night, and when my thoughts ghosted over dusty horror tales, scary fragments that I have accumulated over my short life, despite my will to avoid anything remotely chilling, my heart beat louder. Having made itself heard, it beat faster and faster until it matched the sound of the hammering water and they were beating in harmony.
It’s a lot like being on the outside- physically still but mentally roaming, and noticing things without saying anything. When you take a step out, you begin to notice, and also wonder and reflect; these three actions tie together the mental past, present and future. Being on the outside is mentally tiring, but it is hard to stop noticing when you start. Ironically, I am inside while the supposed leak is outside. Maybe it is not so ironic when the house can be viewed as a barrier, and what does it matter if the inside and outside are switched in name? The inside is always unreachable in the moment when you’re on the outside.
I know I will be so tired tomorrow night that I will collapse onto bed without even sparing the rhythmic hammering an ear. Since the rare should be appreciated, perhaps it is not so bad to have a few sleepless nights now and then.
Day 9 of the Daily Post